Hammerscopes

After several days of intense contemplation, meditation and prescription medication, along with a couple of day trips to Boulder, Colorado, our resident non-believer-in-anything also known as Hammer has decided to delve into the Astrological sciences.

Cancer  June 21-July 22 (The Crab) Cancer is ruled by a Restless Moon. What does this mean? You are either ruled by that hunk of rock in the sky, or the newest country band out of Nashville; take your pick. The Crab is a feminine sign, appropriately enough and makes you extremely sensitive and emotionally intense, while making the rest us run for cover. You love to surround yourself with sentimental objects, accumulate useless junk and are unwilling to throw anything out: I know a few single musicians who would be perfect for you. The names of celebrities sharing your sign include: Huey Lewis, Ringo Starr, Sylvester Stallone and Rufus Wainwright, proving you all have parents with a sense of humor.2018) 

Leo July 23- Aug 22 (The Lion) Leo is a fixed sign and we all know what that means. Okay, I don’t have a clue either but I do know Leo is the Fifth sign of the Zodiac, a masculine sign, a born leader and ruled by the sun. We are impressed; we shouldn’t be. You are stubborn and resistant to change, tend to be egocentric and somewhat overbearing though you show enthusiasm, generosity and a sunny disposition. I know this makes about as much sense as having a conversation with you does, but hey, it’s in the stars pal. Celebrity Leos include Hulk Hogan, Barry Bonds and Arnold Schwarzenegger which would explain why your sign resembles a Siamese cat on steroids. Other celebrity Leos are, Fidel Castro, Bill Clinton, Peter Jennings and Jerry Garcia. That’s a Red, a Fed, a Talking Head and a Grateful Dead.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22 (The Virgin) The stars say you love tennis, racquetball, swimming, sailing, fishing and biking. No wonder you’re a virgin, who has the time? Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac, which means there are five sign before yours, duh. Most Virgos are shy and waiting for the perfect lover; good luck with that.  You have an analytical and critical approach to relationships, which is an instant turnoff to men, hence the Virgin sign. The stars say you are sensible yet fluid, changeable and adaptable. Since my wife is a Virgo, all I can say is, “Yeah right, whatever.” You are idealistic in your ceaseless pursuit of perfection though which would explain why she married me in the first place. Celebrity Virgos include Jeff Foxworthy who, after following my advice and changing his, “You may be a “Virgo” …routine to, “Rednecks,” made himself into an international star.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 23 (The Scales) You tend towards procrastination and vacillation, which we will definitely get to later, or maybe not. Librans love to be admired, especially while standing naked and holding up a set of scales. Your love of justice makes you fair-minded, your love of ice cream makes you big-behinded. Okay, that may not be a word, but this is my column, not yours. Your flowers include roses, daisies, violets and orchids, which my exhaustive astrological research has shown means, well, you like pretty flowers. Libra has given us artists such as Arthur Miller, John Le Carre’ and Oscar Wilde along with David Lee Roth, Hillary Duff and Tanya Tucker, showing there really is balance in the world.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 (The Scorpion). The Scorpion is a fixed sign, a feminine sign and a bad- ass one at that. The stars say you rule the reproductive and excretory organs, which tells me you literally don’t know if you’re coming or going. Besides having a poisonous sting, you are vindictive, manipulative and stubborn: everything I seem to look for in a woman. Yes, in my wilder days, I dated a couple of Scorpios who also happened to be strippers My Mom used to ask me why and I just told her it was in the stars. You are attracted to Aries and Sagittarius, which is good since I am a Libra. You are passionate and emotional, sometimes harboring a vindictive jealousy, and let’s not forget that poisonous tail; amazing you’re still single. Celebrity Scorpions include: Roseanne Barr, Tonya Harding, Hillary Clinton and a couple of strippers who shall remain nameless.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 (The Archer) Your sign governs long-distance travel and communications; can you hear me now? Your symbol is a half-man, half-horse so, since Sagittarians have a tendency to gamble, you could actually bet on yourself, before running the race. The other good thing about this half-horse, half-man deal is even though horses are known for generating a lot of uhmmm, waste, you are capable of cleaning up after yourself. The bad part is: you are half-man so you probably won’t. The Archer is ruled by Jupiter, the Lord of the Gods but by the looks of you I’d lean more toward Frodo, the Lord of the Rings. In the olden days Jupiter was also known as Zeus; nowadays he just goes by Frank. Celebrity Sagittarians include Howie Mandell, Paul Shaffer and Sinead O’Conner which means you are or will be, bald.

 Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 (The Goat)  Let’s see now, you’re half-goat, half-fish which sounds like an entree at a Greek restaurant to me. Some astrological charts call you the Sea Goat but you know I would never do such a thing. The sea part seems to come from the shell-looking thing making your rear-end seem to be in a bind. Yep, that makes sense as yours is a feminine sign. You are ruled by Saturn: the Lord of Karma. This is especially pertinent if you live in Boulder, Colorado. I met the Lord of Karma up there one day and he really pissed me off. It had something to do with my readings of the stars and my aura needing adjusting and now his nose needs a little tweak as well. Anyway, Capricorn is an earth sign and you are tenacious, logical and quite possessive. You are full of energy, loyalty and quite a bit of crap if you still believe in Karma. Trust me, he’s a jerk. Celebrity Capricorns include: Davy Jones, Michael Nesmith, J.R.R. Tolkien and Elvis Presley. That’s two Monkeys, a Hobbit and a King. Sounds like the sequel to Lord of The Rings.

 Aquarius Jan 20- Feb19  Yours’ is a masculine sign but your colors are silver, aqua, purple and electric pink. The fact that the guy above is naked is really bothering me too. Your symbol is a man pouring water which translates in modern times to, “The Waiter.” Aquarius is an air sign which makes you unorthodox, unpredictable and prone to freak accidents. Your ruling planets are Saturn and Uranus. I think you were my waiter at the Olive Garden last week because you pretty much Saturn Uranus all night. Since I didn’t leave anything last week, here’s a tip for you now: beware of the Fifth Dimension.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 (The Fish)   You Pisces, are prone to swelling, allergic reactions to drugs and injuries to the feet. I’m not sure if I’m reading the stars or the warning label for Viagra. You are emotionally vulnerable, clinging and melancholic which explains why we mostly avoid you. You are the twelfth sign and ruled by Jupiter and someone they call New Age Neptune. I think he’s Kenny G’s bass player. Jupiter gives you your thirst for knowledge, while New Age Neptune gives you bland, boring, mind-numbing music. Pisces is both a dual and water sign but, sorry to say, your sign looks like a view of two dead fish in the bottom of a bucket. That might mean something, might not. Celebrity Pisceses, Piscesians,  or whatever you’re called includes three more mind-numbers of the music business: Karen Carpenter, Lawrence Welk and Michael Bolton.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19 (The Ram) Ariens, besides having a symbol resembling the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, have masses of energy and courage but are very hard-headed. Usually lacking in discipline and the capacity for prolonged effort, you sound like the average American youth to me. Unfortunately, these traits do carry over to adulthood; that is if you ever reach that milestone. You tend to be overly impulsive, then get bored and wander off. You need to overcome these traits, get your own place and get your stuff out of my garage. Sorry, getting a little personal there. Some may think I’m speaking of my youngest child, but she is not an Aries. Then again, if the hoof fits… The stars say you are subject to headaches and fevers, though you may tend to give more than you receive. Celebrity Ariens include: Steven Tyler, Rosie O’Donnell and Conan O’Brian. What was that I said about adulthood?

 Taurus (The Bull) Taurus, a fixed and solid sign governs practicality and common sense. Why it’s considered a feminine sign is beyond me. You are great lovers of sensual pleasures though stubborn, possessive and conservative. Okay, it’s making more sense now. The Bull can be quite lazy, tends to over-indulge and has a nose for personal comfort and physical pleasures. I need to recheck the stars because that sounds like me. Celebrity Taurens include Cuba Gooding, George Clooney, Uma Thurman and Carmelo Anthony. How do folks come up with these names? I mean, come on, who names their kids, “George,” these days?

 Gemini May21-June20 (The Twins) Gemini is a masculine sign which is rather odd considering your symbol is twins in dresses with long hair and boobs. Of course, I have played in bands with guys like that, so no big deal. The stars say you are a quick-witted communicator, but it was cloudy that night so they may have meant dim, not quick. You are a social animal, a party animal and the dream date for most guys (see symbol above.) Gemini is a dual sign: up or down which means you could go both ways, you could be, you know, bi. Of course I mean bi-linqual, what did you think I meant? You tend to exaggerate, which is a huge and gargantuan fault and tend towards sarcasm; yeah right, whatever. You are interested in whatever is new and fashionable, which explains why you are reading the Hammerscopes.

© Michael Ryan 2018