Stress Test

Stress Test 

            After hearing of a few of my friends’ heart troubles, I felt it was time to come out in public with mine. A recent test revealed my heart to be in a weakened state. No, this test wasn’t performed in my doctor’s office nor was it performed in any hospital, though it was similar to what they call a, “stress test.” The test I am referring to was the written exam my teenage daughter just passed to earn her driving permit. The Kid passed with flying colors which is unfortunate, due to this being the one time I was rooting for failure.

            She was so proud of herself and I was proud too, not of her necessarily, but of the way I managed to hide my oncoming panic attack. She wanted to drive home but I wouldn’t have that since without thinking, I had left all my sedatives at home. I did take her out driving the next day and that is when my heart condition first became evident.

We drove around the neighborhood, thinking my neighbors would be more understanding of any property damage than complete strangers would. Though there were a few instances of heart palpitations, I made it through okay. She actually did quite well that first day, at least that’s my recollection after the pills wore off.

             The next day’s jaunt took us out of the safety of our neighborhood and into the world where the rest of you reside; God help us all. I never realized how fast 35 miles per hour is until sitting in the passenger seat at the mercy of a teenage driver. You have to understand, this is a person who thinks, “Oh well,” is as good of an apology as, “Whatever.”

            After a few, “Oh wells,” followed by way too many, “Whatevers,” my blood pressure had peaked. When she stomped on the gas to out race a truck coming from the right side of us in a shopping center parking lot, my life flashed before my eyes.

             Of course I was overreacting because as she stated, “I have the right-of-way.” Halfway through our, “Ryan Ride of Teenage Terror,” my life had flashed before my eyes so many times I felt I was in summer reruns with the fear the Mike Ryan show would soon be cancelled. By the end of our jaunt, I was now seeing the lives of strangers flash before my eyes.

            I managed to settle down and try to approach our next venture into the world of extreme joyriding in a more mature, adult manner. This trip was made without any pharmaceutical aids. I simply approached the drive in a calm, mature, adult manner. I calmed myself before entering the vehicle, took several deep breaths, and yeah that’s right, I kept my eyes closed the whole time.

            Before I sound too harsh on the Kid I should mention she does try to do some things the proper way. I did teach her that the first thing she does when entering the car is fasten the seat belt and then she adjusts the seat and all the mirrors. In the real world, the first thing she does is load up the CD player. She has no idea where the headlight switch is, how to turn on the wipers, or what the real rules of right- away are, but she dang well has mastered the art of automobile stereo systems. I have had my vehicle for a year now and still don’t know how to work the CD player. The thing holds something like three-thousand CDs, yet I have no idea where they go once you put them in or how to play them but hey, we all have our priorities, right?

            It’s been over a week now with many more trips since that fateful day and I feel as though I have aged at least ten years. My heart may actually be stronger now due to all the exercise it has received but the bags under my eyes give away my condition. I have run out of sedatives and I can’t sleep due to the nightmares.

             I’m scared to even look at the kid for fear of hearing the dreaded, “Can we go for a drive,” and the Wife has been making subtle suggestions about rehab.

© Michael Ryan 2018